Brenda and I LOVE decorating for the holidays.  Mostly we love lights.  We put lights everywhere in the house and then hook them up to a remote so we can point and, “Pew..pew..pew…”  Lights on!  We also have, yes, A CLAPPER!  And, damn it, this thing is the best! 

We put it in the bedroom.  We are just like the super old woman with a crabby face in the commercial clapping her bedside lamp off.  Except, we’re not super old ladies, we’re not crabby, and we are joyfully clapping off Christmas lights!  Well, actually, I’m the one clapping the lights on and off because Brenda can’t clap.  Don’t ask, it’s complicated.   

When we decorate, we’re not really the kind of home that will end up in a magazine.  That will never happen, holiday décor or not.  We have an extremely eclectic style, it’s very personal, there is a lot to look at because we enjoy seeing our lives and our stories around us.  It’s not hoardy, it’s us and we like it that way. 

Most of our Christmas decorations are passed down from my mom and dad or from my Grandmother; they are old and have been in the family for a while.  There are some that are homemade; a couple of years ago my Mom and Dad were cleaning out their decorations and my Mom gave me something that I made for her years ago in school.  I was probably in first or second grade.  It’s Mary and Jesus made from a corn oil bottle, some Styrofoam balls, pins and material.  I must say, it’s some of my best work from that period of my life.

So, as I was decorating the house, I happened to put it on a shelf that had a couple of other things on it, and honestly, it turned out to be a nice thumbnail of different parts of my life and me. 

So, there’s the Virgin Mary and Jesus, a picture of me as a cowboy when I was three years old, (I remember that hat, it was bluish in color made from soft felt), and then me as Gloria on a coffee mug.  I think it says a lot.

On our third story deck outside of our bedroom, we always put a live tree with lights.  Personally, I like the classic bigger bulb Christmas lights, but last year, the war with the squirrels started.

The little motherfuckers chewed through the wire so the lights didn’t work, AND THEN…they took the bulbs and hid them.  Last spring, we found many Christmas light bulbs stashed around in planters.  Dumbass squirrels!  After consulting the google searcher we tried numerous deterrents, got a fake owl, well that’s worthless, just a fake owl, but I do kind of like it.  Often times I’ll ask, “Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?”  Of course, the answer is three.  Guess I should ask, “Mr. Owl, how do I stop the asshole squirrels from chewing through my Christmas lights?”  Huh.

My Hmong friend suggested a BB gun and then we could have squirrel for dinner.  Ah, nope.

So, this year, we (much to my disappointment) are using small lights and have coated the wiring with peppermint.  So far, so good.  Hopefully the squirrels won’t just think it’s a tree buffet of yummy pepperminty holiday candy nuts. 

Merry Christmas, happy decorating and please, let me know if you have any tips to stop the shithead squirrels from eating Christmas lights!