Sunday. I was still feeling like a baby, Brenda kept reassuring me that it is just a cold.  I was skeptical being that I still had a fever.  (I had taken my temperature 17 times with our new miraculous working thermometer.)  Also, I had been cleaning the kitchen with bleach spray; I shoved my face right in the sink and took a huge sniff.  Nothing. I could smell nothing. 

I sprayed more bleach cleaner, HUGE inhale with my face all up in the kitchen sink.  NOTHING.  I panicked.  Na, I’m sure it’s fine, there is no way that I’m losing my sense of smell.  I did not tell Brenda of my secret kitchen cleaning huffing morning. 

Stage one:  DENIAL. 

Also, I was pretty sure she would chastise me for being so stupid as to be huffing bleach.  I was also aware that I could be damaging my nasal passages.  So, I let it go.

Being the conscientious lesbians that we are, we tracked down an at home COVID test.  These are hard to find, but a Walgreens in St. Paul came through.   

Taking an at home covid test is like a pregnancy test, I would imagine; except you’re not peeing on a stick, you shove it up your nose and then wait and see.  So, I guess it really is very different from a pregnancy test.  But I think the waiting for the results could be the same.

For this test, I was praying for no pink line.  That means negative, and no baby.

Tick tick tick…..

BRENDA:  Honey, it’s just a cold.  You’re fine.

Tick tick tick …. (LOOK)   pink line. 

ME:  WHAT THE FUCK? 

Stage two:  ANGER

Then panic set in, no no no no no no no…  But we have been so careful! 

DENIAL.

Come on!  Are you serious? 

ANGER

BRENDA:  Well shit, I guess it’s not a cold.  I suppose I should take a test too. 

The kit has two tests, you’re supposed to do one and then use the next test a few days later to be sure.  Brenda tested.

Tic tic tic tic… NEGATIVE.

ME:  Okay, okay, that’s great.  But maybe we should take another test? Walgreens is still open, check online, how accurate are these home tests anyway?  I don’t think I had the thing all the way up my nose, if we test again maybe…

Stage three:  BARGANING.

BRENDA:  Honey, it says that it’s pretty rare to have a false positive.  And you do have symptoms.

ME:  Damn it!  I know, I was trying to smell bleach this morning and I couldn’t.  And I have a fever, and my whole body hurts.  And what if I infected someone else?  And what if I …

Stage four:  DEPRESSION

BRENDA:  When did you take your temperature? 

ME:  Just now, this new thermometer is really fast.

BRENDA:  And when the hell were you smelling bleach?

ME:  This morning, but I WASN’T smelling it. That’s the point.  OH MY GOD, I HAVE COVID!    

Stage five:  ACCEPTANCE.

So there it was.  I feel like I had cursed myself, because as of late; as we continued to wear masks when others weren’t, as we continued to not do stuff, when others did, I kept saying, “I am going to be so pissed if I get Covid now!”  Well…

I continued to feel like shit, but then I had a real panic that I may have infected others.  I contacted my job and anyone I had been in contact with. (Thankfully they have all tested negative.) 

I covered up on the couch and wept quietly.  We couldn’t even cuddle.  I tried smelling some icy hot, but nothing.  I wept a bit more.